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Before Determining Compatibility – Individual Capacity to Relate

(This is a compatibility lesson. If you prefer, see zodiac compatibility instead, or the synastry interpretations.)

Before attempting to determine compatibility between 2 people, check each birth chart separately to determine what each individual’s capacity to relate is? How well matched are their needs for intimacy? How well do the individual life goals, styles, and rhythms blend? If their life goals don’t match up well, all the compatibility in the world will not help such star-crossed lovers.

Answer the 4 following questions:

How comfortable is each with their biologic role and how well do these roles match up? How well does each relate to their own and the opposite sex? Those at ease with the opposite sex will be frustrated when trying to form a relationship with someone who is not. Do not assume that others function the same as you do, as that will plant the seeds of friction and annoyance when you find that they do not. Look at the aspects of the Sun, Moon, Venus and Mars in the birth chart. Then check your aspects in the following 3 tables to see what those aspects signify.

Do you Play Well with Males?

  Look at Sun's Aspects

if Sun has several good aspects; no squares or oppositions of Sun
Generally at ease & comfortable with males, and comfortable playing society's expected role towards males
if Sun is unaspected, or only lightly aspected
Males will not play a significant role in one's life
if Sun has hard aspects (squares or oppositions)
Relating to males (whether father, friend, or lover) is stressful & anxious; has difficulty accepting society's demands in relating to males
compatibility with males, father, son, grandfatherrelationship compatibility with females

Do you Play Well with Females?

  Look at Moon's Aspects

if Moon makes harmonious aspects – conjunctions, trines and sextiles
Relates easily and happily to females
if Moon makes no, or minimal, aspects
Interaction with females is generally unimportant, routine, or obligatory
if Moon makes hard aspects
Finds female qualities irritating or demanding (either in themselves or others)


Can you be Happy in Love and Sex?

if Venus has good aspects; no squares or oppositions
Happy capacity to give of self, find beauty & value in others, and act to communicate those feelings
if Venus has hard aspects
Limited ability to express love; limited ability to develop trust & admiration for another person enough for a love commitment
if Mars is well-aspected
Communicates sexual needs openly & gracefully
if Mars is badly-aspected
stressful or discordant sexual style

How well do the life goals, limitations, and unconscious needs of each match up?  Where do they find satisfaction, fulfillment, limitations, frustrations, and illusions? If these are not well matched, no amount of love, sexual attraction, worldly success or effort will prevail against a simple mismatch of what each person defines as a good and satisfactory life. Look at the Houses in the birth chart containing the Moon, Venus, Saturn, and Neptune…

What is "The Good Life" to you?

Look at Houses of Moon & Venus

The Houses containing the Moon and Venus show what areas of life provide you with a sense of emotional fulfillment and joy of living (especially the Moon's house). If these houses clash with those of your partner, conflict down the line will be inevitable regardless of how compatible your personalities are. A person's life goals are almost always (I dare say, always) related to one of these houses. These houses signify those things you want to do when you retire, or when you win the lottery. Would you prefer to go sky-diving or snuggle up with a book? Travel the world, or be a cookie-baking grandparent?

Some brief examples: A person with Moon in the 5th house may get a sense of well-being from the pursuit of pleasure and thrill-seeking adventures. Moon or Venus in the 4th house prefers to sit at home. Moon or Venus in the 7th house needs to be in a one-to-one relationship, but in the 11th house large community groups are preferred. Moon or Venus in the 12th is comfortable in solitude and may forego partnerships altogether. 10th or 6th house: needs to be productive instead of relaxing and thrill seeking; likely a workaholic. But in the 10th house, public worldly success is a must, while in the 6th enjoyment comes simply from a job well-done, working behind the scenes.

Examine the Houses containing the Moon and Venus in both charts to see if the individuals can possibly enjoy life together.

See descriptions of all 12 Houses
See interpretations for Moon in the Houses
See interpretations for Venus in the Houses

Where are you Frustrated or Limited?

Look at House of Saturn

The House containing Saturn is the most frustrating area of life for the individual. There exists ambivalence regarding this house: you want the stuff of this house, yet at the same time, you don't want it. There seems to be built-in limitations in this area of life. What is frustrating for the individual will eventually carry over into any relationship. Couples beware of your partner's house of Saturn! Limitations can be overcome, but not without struggle, as this house is sure to teach. Can you accept your partner’s Saturn? More about Saturn in the Houses.

Where are you Disappointed? Fall for Illusions?

Look at House of Neptune

The House containing Neptune is the area of life that is always just out of reach. This is the sphere of life that will seemingly forever elude us in finding completeness. Yet, in this house, we endlessly chase illusions and fulfillments. We have big dreams for this house, but only limited success. Couples beware of your expectations regarding your partner's Neptune house! No doubt, this is the most inspired and inspiring house in the birth chart, the only one where fantasy can become real, but here…what you see is not always what you get. Dreams can come true in your Neptune house (Oprah has Neptune in her House of Career), but more often than not, Neptune leaves us swimming in a deep pool of delusion and fantasy. Can you swim in your partner’s Neptune house? Better yet, have you got room in your boat? More about Neptune in the Houses.

What’s your Love Language?

What type of relating energy exists in each chart? Sexual energy? Emotional energy? Companionability? Permanence? These can be seen as relating "languages." Understanding the partner's love language can help avoid feelings of rejection. For example, if one partner naturally pours much emotionally and/or physically into the relationship, but the other is, by nature, much less emotionally or sexually energetic, this can be misinterpreted as disinterest or lack of commitment to the relationship. We really only understand love in our own "love language." If your partner speaks fire and you speak water, you will both feel like you don't love each other. Loving someone in that scenario will require a lot of work. And unfortunately, you will not easily appreciate the effort because it will usually be in a language foreign to your heart.

A different way of understanding these energy levels is to see them like radio frequencies. Fire, air, water, and earth are different radio frequencies, or radio stations. If you are a water person, then you are tuned into the water station. You will not pick up love vibes coming from the fire or air station. They may be breaking their head trying to prove love to you, but you will not be receiving it because you are tuned in to the water station.

Generally speaking, water and earth signs are compatible with each other. Air and fire signs are compatible with each other.

Knowing a person's love language ahead of time can help one avoid a bad choice of partner, or avoid resentment about the partner's way of relating.

Look at the element of your Venus sign. Your Venus element is your love language; read below to see how each element understands “love”.

(If you want to be super-specific…Look at the elements of the signs of the following: Moon, Venus, Mars, and Cusps of 5th house, 7th house, & 8th house. These planets and house cusps have to do specifically with how we relate to others. Calculate the strongest element within these planets and house cusps. Give the element of Venus's sign an extra point. If you get a tie between two elements, go with the element of your Venus sign.)

What's your Love Language?

Look at your Venus Element

  Water signs bring the most emotional energy (read: intimate, soul-level bonding) to partnerships. Water needs an emotional, soul-merging to feel love. Water Venus loves deeply and shows it by caring about your well-being and your feelings. Touching and talking alone will not satisfy this Venus; they need to "feel" love from you in order to be satisfied in love.

  Fire signs bring the most physical energy (read: sexual energy). Fire Venus needs to be active together to feel love; fun outings, adventurous vacations, etc. And tons of sex. Fire Venus people can seem self-centered because when in love, they feel it coming from inside them, rather than being based on the other person. The other person may be in front of them saying, "hello, look at me," but Fire Venus ignores because they are too busy being consumed with love. They love passionately.

  Earth signs bring stability and durability (read: a keeper) to partnerships, but have a more limited emotional range. Earthy Venus people need your physical presence near them, but don't get mushy because they won't have it. Emotional expressions should be limited to what you want for dinner, or which movie you want to see. They handle physical and material needs, not emotional ones. Earthy Venus is faithful. In bed, you will appreciate their mastery of the physical. They are sensual.

  Air signs bring great companionability and intellectual stimulus to partnership but perhaps the least of all emotional energy and physical responsiveness (read: excellent communication, interesting conversations, but of a detached acquaintance-type). Air Venus needs companionship, someone to talk to, someone to hang out with, someone to watch movies with. (But most of all, someone to talk to.) These are friendly people, and even in love, the relationship may seem more like a friendship. This may sound nice, but if you need deep emotional bonding, you will not find it here. If you need a lot of physical presence (as in Earth Venus) forget about Air Venus. Like the wind, they come and go as they please.

Compare the 4 love languages more by reading these articles:

  1. Fire Sign Love Language
  2. Water Sign Love Language
  3. Air Sign Love Language
  4. Earth Sign Love Language

Where are the individuals in their great life cycles and how well do their life agendas fit together? What is the current focus of life? Trying to settle down with a partner who does not have a relationship on their agenda at the time ends up in the notorious situation of a lingering love affair that never progresses to the next step.

Saturn is the "time-clock" or "taskmaster" of our lives. We tend to reassess, rewrite, and focus on the portion of our lives indicated by the house that Saturn is transiting at any given time. Knowing this ahead of time helps to distinguish between genuine and durable compatibility and just a temporary coincidence of meshing desires. A person is highly unlikely to begin or endure in a real relationship if Saturn is not transiting through a "relationship house." (Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto transits can direct our focus, as well, but Saturn is more solidly felt).

Look to the house that Saturn, the great time-clock of our lives, is transiting. We are most open to partnerships when Saturn (or Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto) transits through the following Houses:

Is it Your Time for a Relationship?

Only if Saturn is Transiting 1 of the following houses in your birthchart

4th: Home & Family

5th: Pleasure, Romance, Children

7th: Marriage

8th: Partner's Finances, Psychological issues, Sex

10th: Partnering for the purpose of establishing identity or public recognition

In Summary

The 4 questions above describe the broad boundaries of each individual's capacity to relate. These boundaries create the stage on which any relationship must take place, and limits which cannot be crossed. Then, the smaller frame of personal compatibility must be determined only as it fits within these broad boundaries since these ultimately define the outer ranges of any relationship. Compatibility is discussed on the next page.

Cite This Page

MLA style

. "Before Determining Compatibility – Individual Capacity to Relate" Astrolibrary. Astrolibrary, LLC, 24 Aug. 2009. Web. 15 Apr. 2024. <>

APA style

Corinne Lane. (24 Aug. 2009). Before Determining Compatibility – Individual Capacity to Relate. In Free Astrology Lessons (12). Retrieved from

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